Sometimes as a blogger you veer away from the recipes, the how-to posts, the motivational posts, and you just have to share from your heart. Today is one of those days. So if you are reading this and thinking you will find some uplifting, encouraging blog post I will just warn you now…this is not one of those posts. This is just me, sharing with you.
Today, was a very hard day for me. Today would have been my daughter’s third birthday. I say would have been, because she was stillborn, full-term. We never even were able to bring her home and dress her in the cute outfits that lined the closet. We never got to rock her to sleep in the rocking chair in the corner of her nursery. We never got to change a diaper from the stack of boxes of diapers we had stocked up on. Months of planning and anticipation ended in heartbreak.
And its a heartbreak that I live with daily. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her, of what we “should” be doing right now and wondering how our life would be different. This weekend I’ve seen pictures of friends on Facebook that have taken their children to the pumpkin patches and are enjoying fall with their children. That’s not something I’ve been able to do.
Today we should have been celebrating a third birthday with friends and family and cake and presents and balloons. But none of that happened. My husband and I had planned to get out and go somewhere this weekend but honestly neither of us felt like it.
I’d like to say that the pain gets easier as time progresses, and it does, to an extent, except on certain days of the year. Someone just last week asked me how I dealt with it and then made the comment “oh but I’m sure you are over it now.”
I hate to tell you but you never “get over” the death of your child.
I’d like to say I did ok today, that I handled everything well but the truth is I didn’t. I laid in the bed or on the couch and cried most of the day. It’s the one time of the year I let myself breakdown. Sometimes we need that. Sometimes it helps to just cry.
Tomorrow is a new day and my life will go back to normal. But for today, I just had to cry.